


and he is nothing

by aseriesofessays



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Dissociation, Drug Addiction, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction, Stream of Consciousness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-08
Updated: 2019-05-08
Packaged: 2020-02-28 10:35:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 598
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18754708
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aseriesofessays/pseuds/aseriesofessays
Summary: he thinks back: the pill on the ground, in the club- he thinks back: oh, he knows a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy who just thinks he is so pretty, he thinks back: he is eleven years old and his father popped a bottle of champagne and he has been running ever since.





	and he is nothing

it’s like okay, jesus, he’s sober now. he goes through all his teddy bears and digs out his stashes of pills, one by one, and flushes them. it’s like- he scratches, one two three four (ha) at his wrists and the crook of his elbows and oh, she’s screaming in his ear (klaus klaus klaus please help me please help), blood tap tap tapping to the ground. it’s like- luther is strong and diego can hit anyone with anything and klaus sees torn up flesh and smells the stink of rot, heavy and sweet and thick on the back of his tongue at three in the morning, and it’s like, okay, jesus, why is he doing this? 

but he’s good, for once in his life, and he doesn’t relapse, and he doesn’t drink. he smokes, a lot, packs of cigarettes, throat sore and lungs aching, blows right through the crowds (klaus klaus klaus) and ignores their screeching for the flick of the lighter catching, and. he is doing this for love and he is doing this because god said she didn’t make him and he thinks she might just send him back again and he is doing this because there is nothing else to do besides stare, empty eyed, at his ceiling, and not sleep not sleep not sleep, and get up, and push through, and it’s like okay, jesus, he can’t think for the ghosts in his brain. 

they don’t care. that sits like sour milk in the pit of his stomach. he smokes and they sigh and he laughs and they roll their eyes. who is real and who is not? the living are so few, outnumbered by these gruesome dead. there is a ringing in his head, the aftermath of a gunshot, the thump of his bass-drum heart an afterthought. he thinks back: the pill on the ground, in the club- he thinks back: oh, he knows a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy who just thinks he is so pretty, he thinks back: he is eleven years old and his father popped a bottle of champagne and he has been running ever since. 

runners degrade. his knees are loose and his ankles are twisted. he is a bundle of metaphors wrapped in a thin layer of skin, stretched tight over knife-bones, lying languid on a couch. they think he is detoxing and try to give him his space- they think he is relapsing and snap at him to man up. he sits sits sits, moves to his bedroom, sits sits sits sleeps. the taste of empty days is as smooth and cold as vodka on his tongue and the ringing in his ears drowns out their voices. 

-

and this is as good as a drug, somehow, although he’s as useless and he’s as ignored and it’s like okay, jesus, has anything really changed? but this is as good as a drug, this freezing, icy emptiness, the way his eyes don’t track across the ceiling and he doesn’t eat and he doesn’t sleep and his chest rises and falls so, so slowly. he thinks he can waste away, like this, just breath himself into a sweet skeleton, fit between that crack between the wall and his dresser from when he was a little boy trying to hide away from ghosts. if he is wasted enough they will not see him and he will be just another one of the dead (maybe he already is).

-

luther has his strength. diego has his knives. klaus has nothing and he is nothing and he breathes. 

**Author's Note:**

> theres a specific type of character i always fixate on and i knew from the first episode i watched of this that it was gonna b klaus and it was basically inevitable that i had 2 write a shitty stream-of-consciousness angst fic in 15 minutes at 3am


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